Life Story Part I

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Questions

I am a woman whose own mind betrays her.

Someone said something the other day that has stuck in my mind. I cannot remember the actual conversation, however the topic was thought versus deed.

Can God judge me based on my thoughts? Can you control your own thoughts? If you have thought something, can you take it back?

I have often pondered what it would be like to observe someone else�s thoughts. Would you go insane? Would they be like yours? Or completely different?

I suppose we all think at one point or another of how angry we are at people and would love to ram our car into theirs. However, for some odd reason, there is still a line between frustration and insanity.

I will think of how I would like to strangle someone, but if the image appears in my mind of actually doing it, I am repulsed. This only happens once in awhile. I suppose it is human curiosity.

Like wondering how murderers can do what they do. I could never hurt another person, because once I think it, I imagine their response. The hurt in their eyes. The fear. How could you go on? What sets people apart from one another? The murderer from the normal person? The rapist?

Okay, so yes, I�ve been watching a Dean Koontz movie. Phantoms. And although this isn�t really about human on human murder, it set my gears rolling.

What is it about macabre subjects we find so interesting? Seven was a perfect example. The acts themselves were so hideous, yet we still watched. Amazed by the acts against these pitiful people. Yet, what of the author of this subject? Does their mind become twisted to be able to think of such awful acts? Were their minds already twisted?

I shall not dare go down that path. That road leads to Big Brother thinking. To assume that person who wrote those vile scenes is himself perverse would be admitting to profiling that person and restricting their rights.

I believe everyone has some form of perversity in his or her head. It may not be murder. It maybe sexual in nature. Some can imagine, while others must act. What sets us apart?

I guess that�s the crux of it all, isn�t it? If we knew then we�d be able to control it and therefore eliminate it.

Of course, this train of thought always makes me wonder about the odds of suffering from such a crime. I�d imagine that any victim of such an act must have never thought in their lives it would happen to them. So will I die from murder some day? An accident, perhaps? Will I be raped or shot in the head from a random bullet? What makes me so special?

What makes me so special anyway, to still be alive at 29 in America where my standard of living is better than most? Is it all random? What does my future hold? Will I die at a ripe old age like some in my family before me? Or will I suffer?

Does death really hurt? I once almost choked to death. At the last moment my stepfather was able to save me. However, an odd thing happened. There was no pain. Just acceptance at the last moment. Peace. Why is that?

I apologize for asking so many questions without offering any answers. I�m simply human.

2 scratches so far

Moved - 2005-07-25
New Job - 2005-07-25
Idiots in the News and Mom Update - 2005-07-21
Parents! (sigh) - 2005-07-21
More of the Same - 2005-07-19

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