Life Story Part I

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Faith

This job is going to kill me.

It�s 10:20 at night and I�m just finishing up on one small piece of a project. So much for relaxing after the degree.

I guess everything went well last night, although my boss didn�t come into work today. She�s too funny. She said she wasn�t feeling well, but everyone was giving me a hard time about it today.

Augh!! I talk about work too much, but this is my life as of late.

- - - - - -

So I almost teared up today reading a friend�s diary entry, we�ll call her Jackie. Well Jackie was reminiscing about the past. Everytime she brings up this point in our mutual lives, it just makes me want to bawl like a baby.

I�m glad she put up that entry today. It made me feel good about my faith. I needed that.

See, I too come from a jaded past religion-wise. When I was about ten years old, my mother married a man who later became a pastor. He was the least pastor-ish pastor I can think of.

He let his anger control him, and as far back as I can remember he never sought to help anyone but himself. He would always force me to go to churches I was uncomfortable with. I believe everyone should have the freedom to worship in a way that is comfortable to them, not forced into servitude.

He cheated on my mother. Let her get sick. Turned his back on my husband, and essentially on I. I still wonder to this day if he ever regretted that way he acted. Before he passed away, did he regret the things he did? Did he realize the error of his ways?? I�m not sure if it pains me more to think he did, or he didn�t.

Anyway, years later I joined my childhood church. It is of Lutheran denomination and I have always felt comfortable in a Lutheran atmosphere. The focus is on love and forgiveness, not fire and brimstone. This is where I met my husband, while I was a peer counselor. At the time, my husband�s mother (at the time my boyfriend�s mother) asked about me. He informed her that I was na�ve and irresponsible.

I was livid! I felt betrayed. It wasn�t that he said that, it was that he said that to someone else, but never said it to me. How do you treat someone like that? Then he left the church because he was going through a divorce and was ashamed of it. What kind of a congregation is that?!

So it has been some while since I went back to church. Hubby insists on going back to the one where we met, but it�s not the same. I don�t feel that connection with the pastor during sermons that I used to feel. Money seems to go towards fancy new projectors, rather than people who really need it. I just feel disconnected from it all.

I still have a good relationship with God. I pray every night. But I can�t seem to get myself to church.

I think one large reason is by inability to follow blindly anymore. Not that I don�t have faith. I do. I have trust and love God, it�s mans interpretation of God�s law that I find unforgiveable. Whenever I hear Christians in the news, it�s filled with hate. Hate for common man. For people who don�t believe in what we believe. Well, what they believe. Hate for gays. Hate for freedom of speech. Hate for art. It�s insane.

I could on about this for hours, but let me explain by choosing one topic�gay marriage. To me and everything I�ve read in the bible, there are teachings on man and wife. About love. I don�t see anything that says you should hate and pass judgment on other people because of what they do. Especially from Jesus. I�ve read not the bible in it�s entirety lately, but have tried my best to read for myself what I think God would like us to do. According to Jesus� teachings, which I find to be the truest word although interpreted by man many years later, is that we should love. Love our common man. Not pass judgment. Not hate, but love. To love something without rules is the hardest things you can do.

As a Christian, we should not force our beliefs on others. We should lead by example. We should love as we want to be loved. We should accept as we would like to be accepted. It�s my belief that if you sin, that�s between you and God. It�s none of my business. As long as what you do doesn�t hurt me or others, than that is between you and God. Being gay doesn�t make you bad. Heck, I sin everyday. Why is their supposed sin more unforgiving than mine? And since when is its man�s job to judge others??

I find it amazing, and perhaps I�m assuming too much, but I have two friends that when I met them they were unsure of their relationships with God. I didn�t force, I didn�t judge. I simply loved and tried to show them what being a Christian means to me. I didn�t bring religion up other than to discuss. I respected their opinions and their choices. When they asked me about my faith I answered honestly and neutrally. Now�well, both of them are going to church. They bring their families and they�re happy with that. They have a good relationship with God. I�m not saying it was me. I�m not that stupid. But I hope and like to think that in small way God worked through me and by being what I think is right, it brought them closer to God instead of pushing them away.

I don�t know. When it comes to faith, it�s very difficult.

But I thank them for being open and I hope they know I love them, regardless of what choices we all make in life. Because, that�s what it�s all about.

And l�il l�il, thanks. You are truly an angel.

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