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2005-04-11 - 5:36 p.m.
Beware....depressing thoughts
Today has been a bad day.
I won't go into detail about it, however this morning started out with a massive fight between hubby and I.
Massive.
Nuclear.
Essentially it stems from my frustration of same ole, same ole.
Hubby was complaining about how he couldn't drive me into work because he was too tired.
I felt that extremely childish (he knew he had to take me in last night and had ample opportunity to sleep) and so I yelled at him about it.
Then he trashed his new cell phone I just got him.
And the dashboard to our (no, my) new rav4. Created a quarter-size hole in the plastic.
Extremely expensive plastic I'm sure.
I got pissed.
Beyond pissed really.
Frighteningly mad.
I won't go further than that other than to say I've been in a funk all day and still haven't completely forgiven him.
Which is unusual for me. I'm usually a very forgiving character.
I'll get angry for a few minutes, but then try to let it go.
Not today. I'm still irked.
Well, more like depressed and frustrated.
Who knows if things will change. I'm hopelessly hopeful.
One thing did strike me this morning though as he dropped me off at work.
I realized why I'm so angry.
It's better than the alternative...hurt.
It all came welling up today. Massive amounts of hurt. I bawled my eyes out then got pissed at myself for doing so.
I suppose I'm probably like most people out there.
We'll never admit it, but we've been hurt relentlessly.
It all came welling up. All old issues with hubby. With daddy. Being made fun of at school. Being taunted by crushes. Being told I'm not good enough or pretty enough. Being told I could only hang around a friend when no one was around.
It's been a painful life.
I think that's the first I've ever admitted this to anyone.
No one ever thought I was good enough. For a friend, for a girlfriend, for a daughter.
Oh my mother did. That's probably the only thing that kept me sane and not committing murder.
However no one else in my life ever thought I was good enough.
So I set out to prove how wrong they were.
I studied, I exercised. I became smart and successful.
I could taunt them with my smarts and my degree and my toys and good paying job.
I always wanted to go to my high school reunion to snub those who had snubbed me.
"Still living in Maricopa with five kids and welfare, I see. Me? I'm a highly successful data analyst."
I know that sounds wrong. But have you ever been shunned from society in general?
Have you ever been looked at in disgust by the opposite sex?
Have you been made fun of by other kids who also thought you were disgusting?
I still fear that. Being disgusting to other people.
Not enough to be OCD, but just enough to be hurt. To be full of fear. I would almost rather have my nails plucked from their nail beds by a rusty implement than receive a look of disgust from another human being.
My father made me feel this way too. Not in obvious ways, but I could feel it.
He used to make comments on my appearance and weight.
So even today I try to gain acceptance. I'm frightened that people may think I'm uncool or boring. That I'm stupid or ugly.
And because I'm overweight, I find myself disgusting. I feel like jabba the hut or Marlon Brando (the later years.)
I'm not sure why I focused on intellegence and knowledge. Perhaps because it came easier. Also, my mother's family placed more emphasis on intelligence than good looks.
Also, my mother really wasn't much of a mentor in the ways of the chickie.
She taught me how to be smart, but not attractive. Never taught me about all the little things most girls know. Like how to shave without getting razor burn, how to do an appropriate manicure, how to cook well, etc...
I don't consider myself ugly, but I fear other's thinking me homely or disgusting.
The most fearsome part is that adults won't even tell you if you're disgusting. The guy with the horribe halitosis is never told about it.
They just make mean comments about it behind your back. And everyone knows, except you.
Yes, I live in fear of being unattractive and undesireable.
And the ironic thing is...most find that in itself undesireable and unattractive.
I hate our societal rules. Our narrow-mindedness. Our mean-spiritedness.
Yet am doomed to follow it.
Moved - 2005-07-25
New Job - 2005-07-25
Idiots in the News and Mom Update - 2005-07-21
Parents! (sigh) - 2005-07-21
More of the Same - 2005-07-19