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2005-03-22 - 8:27 p.m.
Daydreams and Nightmares
F***in A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I�m so freakin emotional right now.
Between work, school, mom, and lack of hubby, I�m just pissed!!!
So this last few weeks has been kind of hard. And hubby isn�t helping. He just sits on his butt, getting loaded and doing homework. Then when he picks up his room, he says, �Look honey!! I cleaned!!!�
Normally, I wouldn�t be so pissed, but today he�s been non-verbal with me. He usually calls, and he hasn�t the past couple of days.
Oh, he wants to �massage�. His new key word for sex. That�s his answer to romance.
So today, I�m feeling irritable because our account is overdrawn and it�s a few days til payday. I�m usually pretty good at doing expenses, but he�s had the card and has gone crazy with it.
So I decide to be a good doobie, I tell him not to use the card but ask me for cash when he needs it.
You know what that f***er says??
�Well I guess I�ll just have to get a job!� Like he can�t possibly go without spending butt loads of money. It�s beneath him to do.
Aside from that all he discusses is his artwork. �What do you think honey?� Not, �How was your day honey?� or �I realize you�re stressed. How can I help?�
Then he goes to school. I text messaged him, �I love you. Let�s talk when you get back.�
No mention of it when he gets home. I didn�t even get a kiss as he walked out the door.
When he did get home, it was �Want to see my portfolio?� and �Okay, well I�ll be back soon.�
Apparently he got invited to a friends �end of school� celebration. And you know what his parting words were?!?!?!
�Hey Kid, wanna go for a ride?�
He asked the f***in roommate to go. Not me, the f***in roommate. I didn�t even get a kiss.
Of course, I was pissy and he could tell. He tried to kiss up before that.
Mother-f***er!!!
I�m in tears, or at least close to. How can guys be so f***in stupid?!?! How long can I deal with this crap?!?!?!
Granted he has his moments.
But right now I�m really vulnerable. I�m stressed to the gills. My mom hasn�t been good. I�ve been taking care of everyone my whole f***in life, but I never get taken care of. Never.
I daydream of men who take care of me.
My latest is (now don�t laugh), I�m an assistant to the assistant of Kevin Spacey. While he�s gone on vacation for a week, the assistant tells me to watch the house. However, something has happened and I need a place to stay. I have no choice, I stay in his guestroom. I figure by the time he gets back I can find another place and he�ll be none the wiser.
So I get into my pajamas, and crawl into bed. However, he gets home early and sees me lying in the bed. I awake startled, and start crying and explaining that I�ll leave immediately. I�m so sorry. I had nowhere else to go.
He says it�s alright. I can stay until I find a place. He gathers me in his arms. Shooshes me and rubs my head. I can feel his breath against my hair as he tells me it�s going to be alright and jokingly says he�ll tell no one if I don�t. I lean on him, feeling safe and warm. And then he stays in the bed with me. Huddled under the covers until I fall asleep in his arms.
Pretty sad, huh?
I feel like such a sap for being the stereotypical strong woman, who needs a strong man in her life. I guess that�s why more than anything, I love nice a chest on a guy. Something to hold me and comfort me. Take care of me, even if it�s for a little while. I�m not too choosy. I�ll take Kevin or Mathew McCaughneghy (sp?) or even Pauly Shore (did you see him jury duty? Nice pecs)
Sigh. Oh well. Back to �do it all herself because no one else will� Onyx.
Moved - 2005-07-25
New Job - 2005-07-25
Idiots in the News and Mom Update - 2005-07-21
Parents! (sigh) - 2005-07-21
More of the Same - 2005-07-19