Life Story Part I

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Why? and What If..?

Okay, it's melancholy day today.

I'm sitting here looking out over a sea of cubicles and wondering why? All of us, we get up every morning, and trudge into work. Just to make profit for a company.

I guess I don't feel too bad about my job. My company is the first of it's kind to offer affordable insurance to people who really need it. I feel good about that.

I couldn't work for a company I didn't respect.

But still, I've been working my butt off for about 13 years now. I'm only 29. I know that's a drop in the hat compared to older workers. However, I never got the chance really to experience life.

I started thinking lately about all the experiences I could have had. I'm not trying to be upset over it, just wonder.

I could've gone to college full-time without working, or toured Europe, if my parents had really planned things out.

I coulda been a contenda! lol (Couldn't resist)

In school, I frequently made ok grades, but nothing really that challenged my potential.

I was only in Honors English my senior year of high school. And only because a teacher had watched me fly through a test earlier and score an A. No one cared before that.

Teachers are so focused on the sub-par children, that no one notices the bored ones. Not that I'm saying that our sub-par children don't need help. However our society is so focused on making everything even, I think we miss out on the opportunity to focus in on our gifted children.

Just like there are many children out there that have difficulties in school that get missed, I think we have a lot of bright children that get missed too.

I don't know. I just wished, I guess, that as bright as everyone says I am, I would have gotten a lot further by now than I have.

I do like my work, unfortunately I think that's about all I like right now.

I know only I can make the change, but I just don't have the oompfh to do anything when I get home.

Perhaps when I finish school? What is it?!?!?! Why do I feel like this?!?!?

My life isn't so bad. Compared with some others in the world, I live like a queen.

But there I go comparing again. Why do we always compare with someone else?? Shouldn't it only matter what I think of my situation? Not in comparison with others??

I don't know.

It's funny really. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about overthinking everything. It even frustrates my husband sometimes that I analyze everything. I'm not willing to just accept.

But I guess that's the nature of the beast. What makes me good at work, haunts me in my personal life.

I overanalyze people's responses, relationships, philosophy, standard of living, etc., etc., etc.

Do you realize that I've actually thought to myself before, "I wonder what it's like to stop thinking? Just have an empty mind?"

I guess that's why I like music so much. Maybe that's why Einstein did too. We're forced not to think, just experience. Just get caught up in the emotions of it without thinking about our responses, or others responses, to it.

Oh well, hopefully I'll be in a better mood tomorrow.

Til then...

2 scratches so far

Moved - 2005-07-25
New Job - 2005-07-25
Idiots in the News and Mom Update - 2005-07-21
Parents! (sigh) - 2005-07-21
More of the Same - 2005-07-19

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