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2005-04-18 - 12:02 a.m.
Forgotten Memories
So I just got finished reading "Cruddy"
It's a very dark and macabre sort of reading.
The kind of book that once you get finished, you think, "Wow! I'm glad I didn't grow up in the middle of shit like that."
But then you think back...
I had always wanted to write a book about my life.
Why?
I don't know. To expell the demons of my past. To let others know they they too can have a fucked up life and still move on.
But I don't for two reasons:
#1. I couldn't possibly write a book of truth without hurting the ones I love...without exposing all their dark and dirty secrets along with mine for public viewing.
and #2. My grandmother once said that no one would want to read sucha boring story. That everyone wanted to write a book on their own life, but no one would be much interested.
I disagree, but that still sticks in my brain.
Perhaps someday...
but til that day I'll give you little juicy tidbits from my past.
For example,
I wonder how many out there have the same problem I do.
This problem I didn't realize I had until a few years ago.
I had always wondered if I went to a psychologist if they would be able to drudge up all the scary little memories from my past that I may have covered up in my subconscious.
However, the scientific part of me was always skeptical.
My imagination is so great, that I'm not sure I would even believe what they were able to drudge up.
However, one day hubs and I were driving along central ave, when a flash of rememberence came...
After hubs and I fell into love, or at least lust, with eachother, his mother kicked him out of her house.
I still have yet to understand what it really stemmed from, what the true reason was for her throwing him out.
However, he had nowhere to go.
We tried to find him a place to stay.
I had even asked my step-father if he could stay with us for a few days until he found another plcace.
My step-father was a devout christian and of course he said, "Absolutely not!! Out of the question. I will not have you two sleeping under the same roof!!"
Asshole! Hypocrite!!
My mother seeing the hypocrasy of the asshole, told hubby he could stay for the few days knowing full well that we wouldn't attempt anything sexual out of respect for her wishes.
Asshole step-father threw a fit and left the house. He called later stating that if hubby wasn't gone by the next night, there would be a divorce.
Mom was crying. She was absolutely hysterical because they had just adopted my brother and she wasn't sure how she would support him with step-dad.
Hubby and I sat down, shocked, yet still making arrangements to take care of my mother and my brother. We were prepared to take care of her, especially considering what she had gone through to take care of us.
I think it finally came down to her fear of losing my brother. She told hubby she didn't have a choice and he would have to leave by the time step-dad got back.
Fortunately, yet unfortunately, we found hubby a half-way house to stay in (however, this is a story for another time.)
I had completely blocked it out.
I was shocked.
It had only happened about 6 years prior and I had blocked it from memory.
What else have I blocked out?
When you watch a movie in which the heroine makes this kind of discovery, her initial reaction is to find a way to recover the other lost memories that must surely lurk out there.
However, do you know what it's actually like to be the person who recovered that one memory?
You wonder what the others are like.
You wonder if they are any worse.
Are they worse because they're still buried?
Do they have to do with incenst or rape??
I do remember some embarassing memories, but none hideous in nature.
Obviously not bad enough to forget.
Are there more lurking out there?
Will they ever drudge up??
Do I want them to?
I don't want to push it. Im not even sure I want to remember.
What kind of person will I be like if I do??
No, I want to forget. I don't want to remember.
Moved - 2005-07-25
New Job - 2005-07-25
Idiots in the News and Mom Update - 2005-07-21
Parents! (sigh) - 2005-07-21
More of the Same - 2005-07-19